2021 has been. Horrible for the most part, really. I feel like collectively most of us thought 2021 would be a turning point, a fresh start from what was 2020 had been. But looking back, felt like i've enjoyed 2020 better than i do 2021. 

My mental health has been...a wreck? for the most part of 2021, but i don't even realize it until it got quite bad, which is something i always do hahah. Me and compartmentalizing feelings, a dynamic duo. I dont think any of my closest friends know as well. I dont like talking about my feelings, to be honest. Because most of the time i don't even know whats going on up here. How could i even verbalize it kan? But yea. I'm feeling better now, these past few weeks in pediatrics posting has helped me tremendously. I was preparing for the worst because of all the things i have heard from my friends who were in the posting before me, but i'm 3 weeks in (out of 4) and i'm happy to report that i've never felt better. I got lucky with the groupmates that i have. Lowkey was hoping to be in the same group with all of them before paeds even started because they're like, the only people that i like out of all 27 people who are in the same posting group as i am, and what do ya know? i actually got to be in the same group as them hahah. Jokingly talked to myself a few days back that this is how God repay me for all of the shitty times i have been in this year.

That doesn't take from the fact that this is still such a shitty, shitty year. can't wait for it to end. both academic year and the literal year. i'm so mentally exhausted from having important exams of major postings back to fucking back, exams which we can't fail for more than 1 posting because it means we'll have to repeat the whole year. With limited clinical opportunities, tons of things to do (looking at you O&G and your GODDAMN stupid ass videos), and high expectations still like we're expected to be these flawless, unaffected students who can still keep up despite of all these shitty, shitty setbacks bestowed on us, i'm here thinking time to time i should've just defer the whole year. Or taking a 'gap year' as one would put it. But i'm also very, very tired of 4th year and just want it to be over and done already. I don't, I swear to God, i very much don't want to go through all of this again. 

Anyways. sorry for trauma dumping. Been wanting to spill this out for quite some time. Hopefully 2022 will be a better year, but meh. I wont hold on too much hope. Lol.

Bye!