To be really frank, i've stopped caring about raya since i was probably in highschool. As a child it was the best thing-the feeling of excitement waiting for raya after 1 month of fasting, getting to beli baju and kasut raya, getting duit raya. Konvoi with the rest of the family to visit extended family members and their friends. But once i hit probably 15-16 it has all tapered down for me. 

And now I am 23. Well, ish. I will be this September. And raya hasn’t been the same since last year. Not that it affect me that much. It probably affected my parents more. No scratch that, definitely, affected them more. 

And in 2019, the year before all this covid shenanigans happen, I celebrated my raya while burying my nose in lecture notes because just a few days after raya I had my professional exam lmao. so you can say that I haven’t actually celebrated raya fully since 2019. 

Its fine though. Because I had an excuse to not join my aunts, my mom and my grandma in the kitchen lmao. tapi rasa macam pretentious gila pun ada. Sebab time lawat my mom’s friends houses pun I still bring along my notes. But hey, I passed the exam, and I did so without any unnecessary tears and sleepless nights. And would it sound like I’m a total fucken nerd if I say I rather study than mingle with people that I barely know during raya? 

Anyways. On a different note. I’m 5-6 months into my 4^th year of medical school and I’m still stuck in my first major posting. Clinical exam was done though. I didn’t exactly know how I did. And it pains me everyday not knowing….i keep ruminating about things that I did and said wrong that could fail me. That’s the thing about medical school kids. In other courses if you fail, you’ll only atone with your gpa. But in med school you’ll have to re-do the exam all over again. And if you fail again you’ll have to repeat the whole fucken year. It’s a big deal. That’s why failing is never a pleasant business. Anyways if I didn’t do well is it exactly my fault though? HEHE. We only had 4 weeks of clinical experience, and patients were scarce. We can only go to two hospitals and one of them has only 1-2 patients at a time, and its not like they’ll get replaced each day. The other hospital had more, but turnover rate is so low you’ll see the same patient everyday. And not only that-we have to rotate according to groups because of sop and stuffs. So I wasn’t exactly as productive as I’d like to be.

Its sad. I really liked psychiatry. The whole reason why I entered medicine in the first place. But idk if I’m still on the psychiatry train. I liked medical posting a lot too. Particularly neurology. A lot of people are not particularly keen of it because neurology is basically spending 90% time trying to localize the lesion and the rest to actually treating the patient. But I like it. It’s like trying to solve a puzzle. I like puzzles. And riddles. I like thinking, and frankly, I don’t like doing. HAHA. So neurology fits my interest and personality like a glove.

Psychiatry is amazing too. I have so much respect for psychiatrists. It aint easy. This specialty requires a lot of emotional commitment. And ya girl doesn't have it. For someone who can only offers logical solution whenever a friend vent out a problem to her and emotional situations makes her feel so uncomfortable that she just want to teleport on the spot, you can see how psychiatry can be challenging for me. I felt SO drained just after talking to two patients! hahah. Not their fault though, ofc. 

And after months of only studying the mind, I miss studying about the physique. And obviously I’ll get my wish granted because I’m off to family medicine posting after this. but malasnya…..HAHAHA sometimes (all the time) I just want to sleep and wake up with a medical degree. Or a specialist license even for that matter. Penat la.

A year and a half left. Hopefully.

Ciao.