As the murphy’s law once stated, ‘what could go wrong, go wrong.’ I almost-no scratch that, I had a mental breakdown earlier. God, it was awful. I lowkey thought about the possibility that all the bad things that could happen will happen during the time I really couldn’t afford to have it the most-which is during today’s supervision class. What bad things, you ask? The first one is my connection being shitty as hell (because it has been since Friday last week), and second- my audio fucking went out (because it happened before, at least once a week, but usually it happens when its not big of a deal, i.e. grand ward round, any classes that I don’t have to actively communicate with the lecturers so if it happens I can just restart my laptop, nbd.) BUT IT FUCKING HAPPENED, BOTH OF THEM, AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME during today’s supervision class. supervision class is basically a small group with a supervisor kinda situation, so active participation (having our video on, answering/asking questions) is almost mandatory.

My group had to fucking wait for at least 10 mins for me oh god ;; At this point I’m just done lol. My life is officially a sitcom. Its so fucking terrible that it’s almost funny and ironic. Sebab aku ada terfikir what if it happens? But I never really thought that it would ACTUALLY happen, dsjsjsjsjssjsjsjsjdjsjd

Anyways just remembered how I thought about maybe my supervisor knows/suspect that I have some kind of social anxiety because he’s a psychiatrist-so he must be apt at detecting stuffs like this en. Then masa kelas tadi I asked him about social anxiety and performance anxiety and he added this one really funny and actually kinda mind-readingish statement about how if we think we have social/performance anxiety-we actually don’t. HAHAHAA. So that kinda answered my presumption. He said it was because we’re here now-suggesting that we’ve succeeded, on our fourth year, if we have any kind of social anxiety/performance anxiety, that wouldn’t be possible. I mean yeah. Our exams are basically presentations each time lmao. long case, short case. People who actually have legit social and performance anxiety would have a harder time and would probably fail a few times.

Also all psychiatrists are cool. They have this kinda wisdom that you never really see in any other kind of specialists. When we get to observe how my supervisor did mindfulness therapy on the patient with social anxiety disorder performance type only-it was the first time I actually witnessed how an actual psychiatrist did a therapy and good GOD it was SO damn cool. He’s so damn cool. I want to be like him. Uhghhhshshhd psychiatry posting is basically just me fangirling over each and every lecturers lmao. they’re just so admirable man. I’ve never felt this inspired by any other doctors from other postings before. Like I’ve observed a few surgeries before, but I didn’t feel anything? Like yeah sometimes its cool I guess to see organs and stuffs. But it didn’t inspire me the way psychiatrists did ya know? And they don’t even need to do anything. They just speak. But even then they emanate such wisdom. 

Maybe,,,,hear me out,,,,maybe I should be a psychiatrist?? It’s almost poetic when u put it this way: I chose medicine because I wanted to be a psychiatrist, so it’s only appropriate for me to actually become one.

I thought psych won’t be suitable for my personality ya know, but I feel like that isn’t the case anymore. I really do enjoy learning psychiatry. I feel like I won’t be able to input this much effort I did for psychiatry for other subsequent postings,,,,,its just aint the same ya know.

oh well. at least  one good thing about these online classes stretching out without any prospect of physical class in the horizon is that i get to spend more time in this posting. supposedly next week will be our last-it would be the exam week. but since we didn't get to have any physical classes yet, posting is extended. 

:-) i do want to go back to campus though. online classes are testing my patience each day. like what had happened earlier. it went ok in the end, but i was in SO MUCH stress that i can only think about crying myself to sleep tonight. but after a round of ice cream and re-run of howl's moving castle, i feel a lot better. self-care is key, folks! and also don't be too critical of yourself. treat yourself how u want others to treat u. 

okay idk what else to say hueheue. bye.