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Haven't updated for months hahahahahaha aNyways lots of things happened since the last update-one of them being i'm already starting my clinical year! and i am also officially 21! Idk i have nothing to write about but since i'm kinda procrastinating right now (supposed to start with case write-up and study about kidney failure or whatever) so might as well procrastinate productively-by my own terms that is. so. a few days ago, the woman whose face i have made as this blog's header since 3 years ago, the woman who actually made me an f(x) fan (i still am) had lost her life. she's Sulli, and she died at the age of 25. There were speculations on exactly how she died, however it is-i'm just devastated at people (malay netizens) who decided to use this opportunity to fucking show how 'alim' and beriman they are by tying her death with islam, mocking her death by saying that if she's a muslim she wont die that way-like? seriously? a human being just died, her family and friends are still grieving, and this is what yall decided to say? imagine having a family member fucking died the same way-would yall still be saying the same things? If you don't have anything kind to say-shut up. suicide is a major sin in islam-idk if it also the same in other religions-and i know that. everybody knows that. but whatever happened we are not one to judge. we don't know what's going inside her mind, inside anyone who died due to suicide minds that prompted them to do that. i never battled with depression before, so i'm in no position to assume how does it feel, and other people shouldn't either. i had anxiety before and it was fucking crippling. i couldn't even sleep because my heartbeat would beat so fast that i can feel it pounding on my spine. i was so scared i would get a heart attack because it was beating so. fast. the more i tried to tell myself to calm down, the more conscious i get about how fast its beating so it beats even louder. i gasped for air when i sleep because i was afraid i would stop breathing when i'm sleeping. shit happened for a good 3 months. i didn't tell anyone. when i'm out with my friends i laughed like usual when internally i wouldn't stop freaking out. i was envious of my friends because they didn't feel the way i do. and that's just anxiety. now imagine having a depression. or both. mental health problem is real and it can be crippling as much as physical illness do, and i would know that. imagine having depression and having to mask that because you're a public figure. now imagine being cursed and marginalized by nameless anonymous on the internet just because you're being yourself. if there's one thing people should comment on about sulli's death on social medias is not about the way she died-but what caused it. understand what depression is, educate others and learn the warning signs. your loved ones might be suffering from depression, and you wouldn't even know. this is not to say that i think suicide is ok, because it's not. but if you know the warning signs you can stop one from happening. that's the whole point. i couldn't see the point of saying shit about someone who 1) had died 2) didnt even know your existence on twitter/facebook-like-don't you have anything better to do? go and watch a movie or something kalau dah takde kerja sangat. or read Al-Quran and berzikir, you know, because yall kan alim and suci nak mampus. tl:dr; whatever happens to people who committed suicide is between them and god. and we're not gods, i checked. so shut the fuck up and respect someone who had fucking died. depression is real and it could kill you. educate yourself before you speak so as to not reveal to everyone you're a brainless case.
bye.
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