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ugh i know the reason i chose medicine because i thought i wanted to learn all there are about the human body-because i like this kinda stuffs. i'm pretty good at biology. kinda. i prefer to work with human compared to with machines, like engineers do. but on my second year here i realized that i might missed something kinda big-even bigger than an interest in human body-that makes someone a perfect fit for this field: an actual interest in human themselves. as a person. not parts of body or molecular cells. by interest i meant care. empathy and all that jazz. i realized quickly that i don't want anything to do with human beings, i just wanted to study them when we're supposed to do history takings in our osce exam and even though it's the simplest thing-i managed to sucked at it. and then i asked myself why. i have the formulas. socrates. geeky medics taught me some stuffs. but why do there are still some awkward silences in my history takings? simple. it's because i don't give a damn, period. i was just there to finish my exam and thats that. when the list of questions to be asked are finished, i don't have anything else i want to enquire about because i wasn't curious about anything apart from the list. depending on a set answer scheme makes you a machine instead of a doctor, my lecturer would say. and i can't agree more. i do feel like a machine. time to time. compared to my friends i am mechanical as heck. this week has been a rediscovering myself week. instead of finding out things that i'm excel at like i usually do-i've found my flaws. learning about them. noting that nope, this is not some kind of character quirks or shit like that. this is flaws, something that are shitty about myself and i HAVE to do something about it, not hiding in under the pretense that 'i am who i am' or 'my flaws are what makes me, me'. it does what makes me, me-but not a better person. and i want to be a better person. no humans are perfect, thats true. and i have no intention of being one. i just don't want my flaws to hinder me of something that i could achieve, or burdening my loved ones. i know i am not completely void of emotions: i have them, obviously. not a psychopath, i can assure you that. i cry a bit when i see cute shit like cats or puppies or an act of humanity on youtube videos. but....idk. maybe i'm just in my head too much. till then.
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