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ALL RIGHT so i haven't updated since ages ago but guess what? i'm back bitches. nothing much happened in the months that i didn't update...just starting semester 4, dramatically passed my semester 3 finals and here i am, less then two months for professional exam 1! woohoo! exciting. (not really). so for semester 4, we're delving into research, one thing that i didn't really look forward to since the beginning of year 2-because after studying statistics module and all i was sure as heck i don't wanna touch that shit anymore,,,but you can't always run from your demons. anyways, long story short, me and my team is tasked under two psychiatrists as our supervisors. obviously, as we were under the supervision of two psychiatrists, we got to do a research on psychiatry related subject-which is fun! really, it is. not being sarcastic. the reason why i decided to pursue medicine in the first place was because i wanted to be a psychiatrist, anyway (though the dream kinda fading now because i'm slowly realizing that my personality doesn't really fit for being one,, and i'm more interested in forensic pathology) so all of this is kinda a major lucky-irony move for me. and our topic kinda delving into depression-anxiety-stress and whatnot, and when our supervisor talks about anxiety,,,i was like,,,yea i know what chu talking about fam. been there before LMAO. im fighting the urge from telling him how i struggled with anxiety for 2 months (almost 3) last year. i never really touch on detail account about it didn't i? idk if i did-but i just wanted to share-that mental illness fucking sucks. anxiety, especially-it rarely came alone. it'll bring some company. one of them is physical symptoms. like you think this is some mental shit, so it ought to stay inside your brain wouldn't it? no you're w r o n g. after i got my first anxiety attack, my whole fight and flight system went berserk and started wrecking havoc in my body. i'll get random and sudden pain in random parts of my body, my muscle twitched every single day, i can't sleep because 1) my heart rate went so fast i was so afraid i might get a heart attack, 2) i can't breathe properly, 3) i was scared of fucking dying. so i resorted to sleep for less than 4 hours every day for 2 months. i thought i actually got a heart attack because i had chest pain, and when i went to the doctor, she'd only prescribe me with GERD medication because she thought i was only having digestive problems. i went in for the second time the same week because i still have the chest pain, and on top of that my left jaw was also aching, and we just studied CVS module a few weeks before, and if anything it taught me that left jaw pain and chest pain are not a combination you'd want to feel at the same time because they are warning signs for a heart attack. that second doctor i met was weirded out because i went to the clinic for the second time just a couple of days after my first visit. i don't remember but i think i wasn't given any medication then. because the check-up came out normal. i tried to talk to my friends about it, but i downplayed it. i didn't tell them how bad it actually was. because i knew it wouldn't made any difference anyway. no matter what advices they might give, i'll still have em, because this is not something that would go away easily, not if its not on my own accord. i was still functioning normally, outside. inside i was a wreck. i would laugh with my friends but in my brain i was thinking about how jealous i was of them because they can be genuinely happy, because i couldn't. the thing about anxiety is that, the thing that you are worrying about, the thing that you are terrified of have a 99.99% chance of not happening, but your brain will still cling on that 0.01% chance and won't let go. you will 100% believe in that 0.01%, so so intensely. you know that that shit doesn't make sense, but somehow your brain choose to not believe that. i was finally sort of free from that hell of a nightmare after 2 months, but if i'm being completely honest: it isn't gone completely. it's still there. they don't affect me as much as they used to, but it takes only one simple shit to trigger them and they will be back. i'm scared, sometimes. i don't want to go through all of that all over again. uhhhh i'm always playing myself as this cold, emotionless machine but god knows how fragile i actually am. and to add to that, i also just found out that i'm emotionally detached! walla. stability? what is that? okay i think i need to clarify though: i am fine. i am happy now, or at least, content. anxiety might haven't leave me completely yet, but at least now i know how to control them a little bit. on emotional detachment...might have to do some researching on how to deal with that. so take away from that: if anybody tells you that mental illness is not real, kick them in the fucking face. we're not perfect, we're unstable but that's ok. seek help, express it out. talk to someone (note to self also,) (because sometimes maybe what you need is not just a solution, but a comforting presence), don't be too hard on yourself. listen to twenty one pilots! haha. this one might sound like a shitpost, but it's true. its always helps a bit to know that you're not alone, that someone else feels the same way as you do. step by step honestly my chest felt heavy a few minutes before because i just fucking watched a video on flight 370 disappearance, that shit gave me the chills, my hairs are all raised. and after i typed all of this it felt light again. so-write it out, folks. it really helps. till then.
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