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I had my first ever anxiety attack a few months before. it was on early february and it was caused by a stupid reason lmao.it wasn't because of a stressful situation or a big exam though that time i was indeed preparing for finals. but i can tell ya it wasn't because of that. though quite relevant to mention at times i did feel out of breath (slight breathlessness) when i think about how finals was approaching and i barely studied anything lmao. but that's quite mild. nothing too serious. the panic attack i had was far more impactful because until this day i have a few (physical) symptoms that can be attributed to that. i have a bad case with intrusive thoughts, i gotta be honest. when i tell people that i'm actually a pretty 'dark' person i'm not lying or over exaggerating. my mind is a very dark place, though its not all the time and it doesn't makes me a serial killer on training or stuffs like that-usually my thoughts are personal and not harmful. kinda. how can i explain this? its like my mind, its capable of reaching to places that most people can't. and usually, no matter how irrational/disturbing the thoughts are i can't help but to believe them intensely. safe to say this what had cause my first anxiety/panic attack. i once believed, as a kid, that if i held my breath those thoughts would stop lol. i mean, to a certain degree is plausible--stopping breathing means---so of course you won't think anything lmao see how morbid i was even as a kid? is it OCD, you might ask? i dunno. never been to a psychiatrist to get myself tested. i won't say that it is though, because it wasn't that bad and most of the times i can just brush those thoughts away and i don't have any kind of repetitive/ritualistic behaviors one would associate with ocd. it's mostly just thoughts, but there are also a few (rare) instances in which i have this one thought and i did something to sort of calm the anxiety caused by the thought--like thinking "if i don't do this, something might happen, it maybe won't but just in case." ya okay typing this out kinda prove that ocd is plausible, but i still think it is unlikely. i dunno. these days i don't even have time (and kerajinan) to seek a psychologist or a psychiatrist. but its still manageable, don't worry! though sometimes i do feel afraid if it would recur again. i'm fine now but i feel like a ticking time bomb. because one little thing might trigger the thoughts and boom! anxiety is back. i even went to the doctor twice in the span of three days kot? because i legit thought there's something wrong with my heart because i had chest pains and all. but both visits told me that there's nothing wrong with it. once i start to accept the fact that it wasn't an underlying heart disease i actually stopped having any symptoms that can be related to heart problems. like, how asshole-ish your body can actually be? i was HORRIFIED thinking if i have a fucking heart attack or something and it actually was because of my fucking anxiety. i even became scared to sleep. so i resorted to have only 2-4 hours of sleep every nights. all because of this damn phobia and anxiety. i guess there's a reason why i always deviates to the darker side of things, because i'm a dark person in general. its also somehow ironic and funny how my obsession is also my biggest fear. phobia. these days i found myself thinking about existence and life in general. sometimes it depresses me a bit because ya know, existential crisis and the realization of humans mortality. learning medicine contributes to all of this honestly. it makes me realize just how fragile human's live is. ah deep into this and i don't even touch on how i (am still) surviving anxiety. i don't. its still there but is currently sleeping, latent. every now and then it will try to resurface. everytime it did i was like 'not again..' because i am tired of dealing with this shit. the saddest thing about this whole thing is that it caused 100% by my own self. i don't have anyone to blame but me and my freaking brain. i read somewhere that having a mental problem is like 'being aware that your brain is running a rampage shit show but is unable to stop it' and its true!! depressive post aside, i am fine now honestly lol. really, i am. if i am depressed rn believe me i won't be typing all of these on the first place because i won't have the motivation/energy to do so. just thought that it's worth to be shared. i love my brain and all but some days i just wish i could have a more normal one lmao. people with simple minds are really blessed, honestly. ciao.
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