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HAYYYYY I'M BAAAACCCKKKKK January is ending in like, a week and only now aku update blog lol. I mean like, whats there to blog about? nothing is particularly interesting and the artistic side of my brain is slowwwwlyyy deteriorating because of all those science shit going on. i'm not gonna lie, i've been trying to blog since last year even but every posts ended with just one-two sentences or even pathetic, setakat tulis title je HAHAHAH i'm a sad case. But i miss writing a whole damn lot. not just blogging but also writing in general, flex those right part of brain muscle ya know? but after countless of failed trial of getting myself to sit down and write something i just sort of gave up. after all, exam is nearing and the amount of studies i have done is close to none. writing wouldn't really help me out this time. darn it, should've go for a literature degree in the first place. ok maybe not. anyway, i've sort of figured out the reason for this whole -writer block- shits. i remembered the last time i actually sat down and complete a more than 300 pages story, it was 2 years ago? what possibly had possessed me at that time because me? completing something??? thats like an antithesis of who i am. i never completed anything. start a whole lot bunch of projects only to leave it when i got bored or lost at what to do. I tried to remember what exactly happened that two years ago: it was the year i left highschool. ambik result SPM. and then i remember the emotions that tagged along with it: it was overwhelming. Leaving school, embarking a journey to god knows where. underwhelming SPM result. being reluctant to leave all memories i have made in highschool...i remember feeling quite depressed about it. i didn't know why but i just sort of lost my energy and all i wanted to do was just to lay down and sleep. i don't want to read anything related to spm or school or whatsoever because if i do i would only feel worse. and one faithful night..........i sat in front of the laptop, browsing for movies to watch and i stumbled upon a movie, read the synopsis and something suddenly sparks. its like having that idea bulb lights up above your head. and then i opened word, typed in a few sentences, and a few sentences become pages. i didn't stop typing until i became so sleepy i can't barely open my eyes haha. and thats how the story was born! looking at it now, it almost like i was trying to put everything that i don't want to let go---high school, the memories, my friends--into something that stays-the story. because its what the story was all about. and so i have figured out the cure to my writer block: emotion. intense emotions. emotions that i can express into words. so thats why i have been failing to write since then. i have not experienced any kind of intense emotions, my life is basically placid. so in turn, i have nothing to express into words. so i guess thats the curse of being...me? i can't feel anything strongly. takes a lot to do so. once i do though, its so powerful that its hard to go through. what's a thinker who has low score on emotional capacity doing in medical school though? i dunno. don't you think the world has enough feelers as doctors? i can contribute my curiosity, and they can contribute their warmth. i can be a cold, heartless zombie at times but---baby steps, baby steps. i'm watching cat videos these days as a way to practice. and now i'm at the level of just at sight of small kittens and puppies can make my eyes go watery and shit. baby steps. bye.
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