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have i been depressed for these last few weeks? i dunno. i'm doing a presentation on mental health awareness in malaysia and heck i don't even know if i am depressed. and then i got sick few days ago. fever. i was normally not the type to have more than mild fevers. stopped having them since i was 13 or 14. usually i'd only have sore throats and dry mouth and that's it. but this time around it's pretty bad...i mean, not 'bad' bad, but bad for my own terms lah. there were a few instances that i felt like passing out because i did not eat properly for almost 48 hours. i can't eat shit. everything tasted like shit when they're inside my mouth. tried to force myself but that'd only make me wants to puke. lucky the fever only last for 2-3 days. i kinda think my stress amplify the fever a little bit. and to top it all, it was the dinner night when i was hit with the fever. ate panadol and it makes me sweating like crazy ;-; and sweat makes me stinks. and guess whaat i took a picture with my crush (sebab mama paksa since dia pun terpaksa amik dengan crush dia) (paksa tapi suka) and he stood very close to me ;-; i was smelly though ;-; he smells so nice on the other hand ;-; (ok tolong la jangan bagi dia jumpa blog ni forever HAHA) he always smells nice. smell dia bukan artificial like the perfume but more to powder? idk. i wonder if he did put on some powder lol. and i was startstrucked on how good we look together?????/ we look alike lol. i mean, to the point it kinda weirded me out. how can a dude's face resemble mine?? and he really reminds me of a puppy. because he likes to snuggle up to people, be close to them, totally the type that shows affection by touch or physical gestures. like he didn't even know me that well (heck i doubt if he even knows my name) but he didn't mind to stand close to me so that the picture won't look awkward. seriously a total puppy. or maybe he just don't know the simple concept of space...hahahah jk and i can't get over the look on his face that night?? ugh i didn't remember exactly how but i can't forget how that look made me feel all sorts of funny things. nice things. ok like this, so after mama took a picture with her crush she sort of dragged me towards him hahahah aku macam ahhh taknak taknakk dah macam budak kecik kena heret masuk klinik dah. we already stood near him at that time so when i refuses mama told me 'dia dah tengok dah tu' so i automatically obliged lol. and then she went to him first to ask for his permission, idk she says what and then he nodded, i don't remember if he smiled or not but his face expression as usual, is pleasant and warm and accommodating, and then when mama walked away to summon me he looked like 'eh, dia nak pergi mana? bukan dia kata nak amik gambar ke tadi' ahaha so cute and then he sees me walking towards him AND THAT. LOOK. HAD ME WEAK. IN. THE FUCKING KNEES TAHU TAK THE FUCKING LOOK WHEN THE GROOM IS WAITING FOR HIS BRIDE AT THE AISLE? YEA THAT LOOK dahlah aku tengah wear a long dress at that time and he's wearing a tuxedo thE FEELS ok about the groom looking at his bride thingy, i think he looked that way because that's what i was feeling at that time lol. he might didn't give the exact look, well obviously, but i think the way he looks, his expression were kinda the highlight of the night. not the picture, not how he fucking stood so close to me, not those. might sound geli a little bit, but seeing the way his face looked like that night kinda made me have a crush on him all over again HAHAHAHAH sebab before this i kinda feel like i fell out of crush with him, if that even makes sense. with him, its never my heart breaking, ill just got bored time to time bcs nothing really happens and i feel like i don't really care about his existence anymore---not hatred, just indifference. but yeaaa that night happens and he looked sooo cuddly and soft and warm my hEART and then another highlight of the dinner was my shoes basically dah tak jadi shoes dah, tercabut sebab aku terpeleot sebab dia tinggi gila nak mampus, and the souvenir i get, a glass bottle broke. ha hah ha hah haha whats next, a black cat with a '44' tattoo on its forehead will walk beside a shattered mirror towards me...? hah, khurafat, khurafat. ok i need to sleep now. byez
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