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so i studied calculus and biology back to back for 2-3 hours :) how wonderful is that :) i feel like throwing up and my head is throbbing now, specifically on the back side. so i decided to stop. for a while. idk. theres only few days left!! 2 days for biology and 4 days for calculus and i feel like i've done nothing. especially calculus because i've been dwelling on the same fucking subtopic for fucking days now and so far i've only reached 60% understanding :) how exquisite. if someone had the audacity to make me study calculus again for degree course i will flip :) a lot of :) shits :) by and by, it's 2017 already. honestly i can't remember 70% of what happened last year. 2016 is such...a vague year for me. blurry memories. what i remembered though is that the first few months were for me, the bleakest. i've gone through depression. honestly speaking, depression is the worst. wouldn't wish it for anybody be it my worst enemy. rasa macam ada this cloud hovering above you everyday, and rains. no sunshine can penetrate through. it's always bleak. even thinking about the future won't excite you anymore. thankfully i went out of it by writing. tapi biasalah, bila depressed, kau rasa inspiration tu boleh datang dengan senang ke? tak. i've wrote numerous draft, a few words only to delete it, scratch it out. that makes things a bit worse than it already is tbh, haha. but yeah, i did found an idea and been able to write something and complete it--by the help of a friend of course. cc: sarah. /kissy face/ ahaha so. about 2016, other than that bleak memory is that--i've met new people, gain new experiences, found a new side of me, gain more self confidence and grew to love and accept myself for who i am each day. before ni, as an introvert, and as a little girl who used to spend most of her time reading books, drawing and imagining things---i'm really afraid of going out-anywhere-alone. i tend to become more self conscious when i'm out there with nobody else besides me, and i even have this kind of anxiety that makes me afraid to communicate with strangers so i can't, for the life of me, to talk to people that i actually have to communicate with in daily life-like shopkeeper ke, cashier, teachers, doctors. so selalunya i'll stand behind someone else and expect that person to talk for my behalf. sampai sekarang actually. haha teruk tak teruk. but aku rasa lepas masuk uni that anxiety dah berkurang. i have no problem to talk to new people cuma i can't be you know, warm or mushy dengan diorang dalam jangka masa yang singkat. it takes time. and i actually like it walking around alone these days. instead of feeling self conscious, i felt more....myself? yeah, in a way i do. i feel like i'm me, i'm not faking anything so i felt more confident. so i guess, the moral of the story is that if you have certain aspects in your life you want to improve--don't worry, you can and you will. don't pressure yourself into it. sometimes improvement can take quite a time--but just like hormones and endocrine system, slower action last longer! haha nampak tak betapa concentratednya otak aku dengan biologi sekarang ni. experience teaches you. age matures you. just live life at your own pace. and if you're going through depression do not let it bury you. i'm not a psychiatrist (yet, haha!) so i can't give any detailed advice but i'll tell you what worked in my case: find a creative outlet to express those trapped feelings out and away. i'm someone who never really like talking about my emotions or my problems with anyone else so i never really vent it out on anyone but it actually helps for you to talk it out with someone trusted. it'll make you feel less alone. depression is a serious mental health condition! do not undervalue it! so here's hoping for 2017 to be more than nice to me, actually to be so freaking lit and awesome and exciting to make it up for all the mess that is the early 2016 had gave me. and for more self-discovery! i hope the 2017 me, the 19 years old me will be more mature, classy, confident and assertive. Aamin. byez. enjoy your 2017 folks.
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