/picks up mic/ excuse me, it's a magpie, not just a 'bird'. /drops mic and flies away, elegantly/

I feel like i was destined to be (related to) a bird. my hogwart house is ravenclaw-whose house emblem is an eagle, and my ilvermony house is a thunderbird-you obviously know how this is related to birds, and now--lo and behold, my patronus turns out to be a magpie bird!!

I never knew such bird existed before lol. googled it and immediately touched at how ADORABLE it is. Such prestige, such elegance, such grace, such beauty..such..small. But few were known about this perfection, except how they are one of the most intelligent animal in the world. /sniffs/ pottermore has never disappoints.

Speaking of which, did you know how sometimes i felt like a fraud? a fraud that believes in her own lies? not to get emo here but. pernah dengar term impostor phenomenon? google is your bestfriend /winks/ . i actually do not think that i'm that smart like people around me think i am? Growing up in an environment that people kinda have this assumption about me makes me think that i'm exactly what they think i am. But sometimes, along the way, i get insecure. dari sekolah menengah until now i was and am surrounded by smart, academically gifted people. those who are naturally logical and mathematical brained-a.k.a a perfect fit untuk our academic system at the moment. i have to struggle a lot to achieve things half as good as they did.

yes, lain orang, lain type of intelligence, but the current thing that is bothering me right now is that i have believed that i'm as good as they are but my results didn't show it? when in class-god, these people picked up things so fckg fast sometimes i felt like i'm being left behind.

i test myself for mbti types and i got INTP. tried the cognitive test because i'm not sure if INTP's Ti description fits me because Ti is fundamentally similar to the logical and mathematical intelligence i believe i'm lacking but still aku dapat INTP urgh now everytime aku baca things about Ti i felt like i'm a fraud, i don't belong here, i'm not an intp, i'm not that smart. yes, i shouldn't generalize but it can't be helped when each damn site describe INTP's like we're some sort of mechanical creatures. robots. machines.

aku siap plan, during my degree, or after asasi, or when i earn my own money i'll go visit a psychiatrist to have my adhd get diagnosed. i want the medicine for it. i want to, for once, try living life like people without it. must've been so easy.

again, not an emo post, i'm not depressed or anything, i just came to think about this a few hours ago after a supposedly CGPA for sem 1 has come out. not exactly proud of it, not exactly sad about it too. kiranya macam dah expect. my result were so-so lah lol. sebab aku dah agak, sebab math dengan phsycis aku k.o.  takkan nak expect 4.00 pulak kan. but the thing is goal aku ialah medic. rasanya dengan result bukan 4.00, ada chance ke aku nak masuk?

idk man. maybe i should rethink everything again.


adios.

p.s. being a bird is cool if you were ever wondering