random ass title yang takde kena mengena dengan post. taken from a song that i'm listening to while writing this hikhik.

hiya. aku ada cakap aku nak update a few things on my life as an asasi student kan. rasa malas lah hahahahaha

nothing's really idk worth writing about? i mean life is flowing at it's usual pace, nothing really grand or anything. its been about two weeks? entahlah aku tak kira. but rasa macam dah berzaman je aku kat sini. check tarikh rupa-rupanya baru dalam ... jap nak kira. lol. k aku pergi sini 23rd of may..and now 11th of june..so it's been 18/19 days? oh so dah nak dekat three weeks. first test is next week, man! honestly aku time zaman form 5 dulu tak pernah rasa setakut ni dengan exam. sebab sekarang first test pun matter, dikira jugak dalam pointer.

aku dah research a few things on medical course dekat upm ni hahahaha. idk is it an intp thing? i like to learn and know, dig deeper about stuff that i wanted to delve into, stuff that i'm scared at. or maybe semua type macam tu hahah. the thing is i never want anything this bad, i'm kinda scared. sebab aku nak sangat aku takut aku takde backup plan kalau aku tak dapat. okey actually ada. keluar from upm and apply for a psychology course at any ipts. tapi fee mahal lah bro. aku siap dah plan, habis asasi ni sambil tunggu masa nak sambung degree aku nak kerja. kumpul duit bebanyak. back up plan lah katakan. these days i plan things a lot lol. haa yang ni aku nak sentuh. aku intp, a perceiving type. tapi, kenapa i found comfort by planning things ahead? i get anxious bila aku tak plan dulu baru buat. and i get annoyed sometimes at people who just like-idk jump off the train? ok metafora. tak tau nak explain cammana. maksudnya, main buat je. like fikir lah dulu sebelum buat tu? bukannya ambik masa lama pun.

i'm definitely an ne user tho. its apparent. so i'm not a judger, haha. it was just that, planning things beforehand is sorta my defense mechanism? because i get anxious when i don't and make last minute decisions. tapi bila fikir balik it is natural for me to be spontaneous. but sometimes, personality traits are not an excuse for us not to improve, to be better. i think about this a lot.

like-i'm introverted. i find it reallly physically and emotionally exhausted to be in a huge crowd, to interact with people i don't know very well. for extraverts-contohnya mama lah kan. aku perati je. hahahaha. dia jenis yang senang interact dengan orang lain. cara dia bercakap inviting and mesra gila. like even kau baru kenal dia tapi kau senang selesa dengan dia. aku jelly dengan ability dia tu. sebab aku akward gila nak mampus. orang tanya sepatah aku jawab sepatah. pastu dah. tu je. diam. patutnya untuk keep the conversation alive, aku patut tanya dia balik kan? but i don't. nak tahu kenapa? sebab aku taknak tahu pun. hahahahahaha serious talk. aku tak pandai nak fake courtesy. bila aku tak peduli, aku buat cara aku tak peduli.

tapi sampai bila weh? sampai bila aku nak jadi macam tu. dalam environment university macam ni budaya macam tu tak elok.

so aku sekarang ni tengah belajar slow-slow untuk ubah that trait of mine. like i try, eventhough it had me biting my tongue everytime i did-to keep the conversation going. fake a smile, but not to the point when it look too obvious. yea its hard and i don't feel like myself when i'm doing it but like i said, personality trait doesn't give as an excuse to mask our weakness.

personality traits are not weaknesses though. it is only one when it bothers us and started to be excessive. after all flaws are what makes us, us right? cuma tak bermakna kita tak boleh improve to be someone better. improving does not necessarily means altering our personality.

it means, becoming the better version of yourself.

dalam konteks mbti, benda ni dipanggil sebagai 'developing inferior function'.

sorry bagi yang tak paham. aku nerd mbti. hahahaha.

all right. anyway tahun ni first time aku straight tak tidur lepas sahur. wuuuu achievement tu. duduk kat sini aku tak tahu wai but rasa rajin nak study tu macam mencurah-curah? hahaha k.

ciao.