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2016 dah pun, secara literal dan obviousnya dah masuk bulan kedua. Tapi aku rasa macam forever stuck dekat 2015. tak rasa macam masa berlalu langsung pun huhu. mesti sebab aku dah tak sekolah and jadi penganggur terhormat kat rumah ja since penghujung 2015, thats why. does anyone else feels the same? thats why i kinda anticipate for spm punya result announcement. sebab maybe dah sampai masa result keluar baru reality, thoroughly, hits me. sebab melangut kat rumah ni buat aku hilang sense of urgency. and at few times, having existential crises. what is my purpose?? what should i do after this?who am i? where do my true passion lies? at least masa time sekolah dulu aku ada definite purpose, ada homeworks and ect. aku study ada purpose, semua ada purpose. sekarang ni aku macam hilang punca. though waking up on the morning for school will still be forever a pain in the ass-tapi hari-hari bangun lambat, even kedengaran sweet pada mulanya tapi sebaik je aku bangun rasa bersalah pulak. but aku still setia bangun past 11 am each morning lol. habits are tough to break, bro. and then masa isi borang upu haritu pun aku rasa aku isi just for the sake of it. i didn't think of each options or weighed the pros and cons, i just pick whatever yang terlintas dalam kepala otak and yang sounds right/ fancy/ something that i thought i can carry. this is where my weakness nampak dengan jelasnya--susah betul nak ambil anything seriously, even when its related to something as crucial as my future. talking about my anti-forte.. i'm painfully passive. i realllly wish aku boleh upkan my assertiveness game but ko ingat senang nak build benda alah tu? susah ok, lol. aku jenis yang macam..ok guna metafora. basketball match. i saw the ball, i ought to grab it. but an opponent pun saw the same chance and try to take it. and tahu apa aku buat? aku stop trying to grab it, and bagi je opponent aku amik. that is...not good, mate. dalam dunia yang makin penuh pancaroba ni (ceih) mana boleh jadikan perangai macam tu habit. nanti mampus kena pijak. kerja susah nak dapat. tengok, aku aware pasal benda tu tapi nak ubah susah tahap dewa. like i said, old habits die hard. hahah.
"my name is blurryface and i care what you think"
aku rasa banyak-banyak defect dalam system aku, ini yang aku paaaaaaaaling tak suka. sebab kalaulah aku takde flaw yang satu ni aku rasa aku boleh achieve benda yang aku tak dapat, and in general be a better version of myself. i get quite disappointed a lot with myself because of this. as this is one of my greatest weakness so this is one of the toughest to mend.
but the upper side of having an emotionally inexpressive face is that people can't tell that i'm feeling this way or that; thus i kinda can conceal my flaws at the face of public lol. but yeah just conceal je tak cukup.
i'm okay with having these flaws; i'm a human after all. and macam bastille lyrics from their song 'flaws' once said, "without them (flaws) we'll be doomed." flaws are what makes me, me. but once dia dah start interfere with my personal life and achievement, it has to go. or maybe a little bit fixing will do-just until it won't bother me that much.
on the lighter note; I KINDA FELL IN LOVE WITH TWENTY ONE PILOTS????? their songs like have this certain vibe to them, some of them were upbeat and all..until you read the lyrics and after that you'll find their songs are actually depressing lol. kinda relatable. those who closest to me might can pick this up: this is basically how i talk, lol. i was like all laugh and stuffs but i was actually talking about a depressive thing. and this is how i handle my problems too. sometimes, aku depressed pun aku tak tahu, sampailah aku jumpa symptoms depression. i don't face my problems, i didn't even know its a problem until it starts to bother me; emotionally. i didn't do 'fake smiling', but i don't cry either. i ignore my problems like a plague.
Listen, I know This one's a contradiction [edit] lol i love how the lyrics perfectly sums up what i was trying to say about twenty one pilot's songs here. and this one hits me in the right place, man.
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